Living The Nightmare part of My Dreams

I never knew pursuing my dreams of Happiness, and having my own clothing line could be so hard. These past few months have been a total blur of sadness, I can't remember each day, all I can seem to remember are just bad moments, of let down, dissatisfaction, and starvation. I have found myself, shutting out the world at times, drowning my pain out by listening to the same sad songs. I try and still smile because everyone doesn't need to know I'm hurting deep down inside. It seems like I am living Murphy's Law "if something can go wrong, it will". I am slowly getting rid of people who I feel may be destructing to my life and goals, then there are the people who I feel are pretending to be there, because they need me at times, and because I'm such a sucker for helping I am always there. I feel myself needing certain people in my life, and lets be honest, what is life with out friends? No life at all right? Well at the end of the day, I only have myself, and that sometimes is all I need, but it happens to be lonely. I have so much emotion, so many issues, and I feel like there is no one there to listen to me, not lend me advice but just listen to me. What I put into this universe comes back to me, with that being said, I am my own worst enemy right now. I think being on my own, and having to struggle is going to make me stronger, but at this point I feel low, and weak. I am not this type of person, to be so down, but it shows, and everyone wants to know, so I am revealing my true feelings and emotions. "I wish I didn't care, because if I didn't a lot of people, their actions, would not affect me". It is so cold out side, and I am not motivated to do much but I am pushing through, because I am better than wasted talent. As stressed out as I am, there is a reason to smile, because "this too shall pass", I will get over this nightmare, I will live the happy part soon again. I am scared of what will happen if I stop trying, stop caring and let myself get out of control. Losing a job twice in a span of three months, has got me feeling like I am at the bottom. Having to chose to eat one day, or have pocket money is a constant battle I go through on a daily basis. Caring for someone who seems to be drifting away by the days, is painful too. If I could go someplace warm, someplace that is carefree, where everyone smiles, some place tropical, where I can be worry free, I'd love to go. It does not have to be real, or physical, I just need to feel that way.


XOXO,
Kalyn