Saturday, May 30, 2009


'Till the Wheels Fall Off
An old MySpace blog written: Thursday, October 09, 2008
Current mood: Fucking stupid

There are days when u wake up in the morning and thank God ur alive. Look around ur room and feel lucky u have material things and a roof over ur head. U get out of bed and realize that "Today is a new day." Another chance to make things better and do things differently.

Today isn't one of those days.

Sometimes u fall in love. And then the other person falls out of love. Sometimes u get hurt when u've done nothing wrong. Sometimes u trust the other person too much and plan ahead of urselves. Sometimes, after 10 years love isn't enough.

Sometimes u dream. And then sometimes u dream that u'll never wake up. Sometimes u get ur heart broken and while at times ur ok, and ur smiling, and ur laughing, and ur dancing, and ur drinking - most of the time ur dying inside.

Sometimes u tell urself it will be ok but then after Day 150 u have to start all over again. Sometimes u slip. Sometimes u walk backwards. Sometimes u keep ur head up high, watch beautiful blue waves crash over sand as fine as baby powder and tell urself ur stupid to be thinking of anything other than reapplying sunblock in 15 minutes while in paradise and then sometimes u come back down to Earth.

Sometimes u want to talk about it. Sometimes u even yell. But most of the time u just stay awake thinking of absolutely nothing ... or absolutely everything. Sometimes u try to write but ur hand starts to hurt or ur tears seep through the paper and mess up the ink. Sometimes u want to call ur best friend, ur new friend, or ur mom but u know u won't. Not just because 10 minutes later ur over it but because sometimes, they just can't be there for u. Which is ok. Because most of the time u don't want to be a burden. U don't want to rain on parades. U don't want to be unecessary stress.

But then u don't know what to do.

So sometimes u sing. Sometimes u write songs. Sometimes u post blogs when u know that u shouldn't spill ur soul to the world. Because sometimes people mistake this for wanting attention and needing people to feel sorry for u. Sometimes u don't want anyone knowing anything about u, and sometimes it's a cry for help. Almost always, u end up feeling stupid. So ur stuck. So while u may delete the blog, u don't regret it because it's exactly how u felt at a moment in ur life. So sometimes u just pretend. U pretend nothing in the world is bothering u. Sometimes u agree with what another person is saying just to make them happy and stop accusing u of feelings that u don't feel. Sometimes u just nod ur head and say "OK, yah ur right," just to shut them up.

And then there comes a time where u promise urself happiness. U plan out ur day on a wipeboard. U make appointments and lunch dates. U remind urself that u totally AREN'T "THIS" GIRL, and ur not ugly and ur not worthless, and u ARE good enough and ur fucking awesome. So u sign a contract with urself and are convinced all 5 points will be checked off within 30 days. Sometimes u even wear eyeliner to work (Because u think that if u have makeup on u'll be less prone to crying for fear of raccoon eyes) and flat iron ur hair. Sometimes u wear heels instead of Tims and tight fitting jeans instead of sweats and there's never a time when someone doesn't mutter under their breath, "U are beautiful." So sometimes u reply back to cute text messages with even cuter ones and let insignificant things become bigger in hopes that this time it will distract u. And then when that doesn't work, sometimes u go to the gym and feel wonderful and eat healthy but still sneak in molten lava cake on a Friday night. But sometimes, that's not enough.

It's never enough.

Sometimes u can make months of progress and throw it all away because u love someone too much and don't love urself enough. Sometimes u can't believe the things ur telling urself. Sometimes u can't believe the things people don't tell but think of u.

Sometimes it's so hard. Because most of the time ur making ur friends laugh so u feel like ur letting them down by being anything less than funny. Sometimes u want to give up, but u ALWAYS know that ur better than that.

And then in the back of ur mind for a split second ur think that u deserve better than him.

So u listen to Ne-Yo and Usher and Maroon 5 and even Kanyeezy. Sometimes u look extra cute to work. Sometimes u read every enouraging quote and repeat it to urself 5 times a day, make it ur headline, and write it on a post-it and stick it to ur computer monitor. Sometimes u have good days. Like seriously, an entire day without thinking negatively. Sometimes u even tell urself, "Oh they'll be back," or, "Karma is a bitch." But then the reality is. Sometimes people don't come begging for forgiveness. Sometimes people just don't care. Sometimes someone can just kick u to the curb after all u've done for them. Sometimes they move on without EVER looking back. Sometimes they won't fight for u, they won't make the effort.

'Cuz happily ever afters aren't guaranteed.

Sometimes u feel like an inconsiderate brat because there's so many bigger things going on in the world and ur wah-ing over missing the smell of someones neck, the feel of their strong arms around u, or the playful kisses of ur favorite pitbull. Somtetimes u can't FULLY appreciate a friend getting married or an elderly couple holding hands. Sometimes u feel resentful, NOT bitter towards others but resentful towards ur own self for thinking, "That should be me," when u see a happy family playing at the park. Sometimes u even feel selfish (When at all times there is nothing wrong with wanting more for urself) because u want to be there for other people, u want to pay attention, and u want to be comforting - and u do and u are, but most of the time while ur hearing ur not listening. And u feel horrible for that. Even more horrible than u already feel.

So sometimes amidst all the rants about "shit not being fair/never catching a break/how could u do this to me/how could i do this to myself," while u know its true u also know complaining about it won't bring u back on ur feet or that person back to u.


Hellz Bellz Summer 2009 Collection "SO LOLITA"

With another great drop from Hellz, warm weather, and Pina Colda's what more can I ask for right now!!?!?! I am excited, aren't you? I have to get the bubble skirt, it screams me! As well as that Dress!
Makeup Looks BEAT!
Art Direction: Misslawn

Photographer: Brooke Nipar

Model / Make up: Julia Vaughn

Styling: Misslawn, Mink, Imee

Monday, May 25, 2009

I stunt in Bow's On you Ho's ha!

So, I am bow crazy! I have a bow for every outfit, In some shape or form, from a necklace to a name it, I have it. So here are a few new bows I have picked up for this summer. I got the pink, purple and black one from Forever 21 and the Colorful one from Top Shop. The TOP SHOP one is my favorite, and cost way too much but I had to get it. Do you like?

My Birthday May 8, 2009

Sorry for the lack of Post. I have been really busy. I am back at it though. These Photos are from my Birthday Party! It was lots of fun! Thanks again to Shyvonne for singing, and DJ's Radio Rose, Roxy and Lindsey for the awesome sets!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Happy Cinco De Mayo!

Fact: The holiday commemorates the Mexican army's unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862, under the leadership of Mexican General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín. The outnumbered Mexicans defeated a much better-equipped French army that had not been defeated in almost 50 years.

Fun: Drink tons of beer, and tequila! Eat Chalaups.

Damn, I really wish I was in Houston right now. I miss Texas ;/

Rest In Peace Swag, Welcome back Cool, and Hello to Dragon!

I remember a time, when Swag meant actually meant something. Many years ago to describe a male counterpart that had it more than going on, all you simply had to say was he had a swag to him, that is why I like him, or think he is fly. Now-a-days, the word swag has been overused by so many fucking people, when I hear the word I want to karate chop those persons lips who utter the word. Like why does everyone have to say they have swag, in their facebook status, or on their myspace page, or fuck on twitter? Everyone does not have swag, you have to be elected a swag. But none the less the word is played out like jersey dresses. However if you're K. Hilson, keep using the word swag mama, and I will keep singing along with you.

I'd like to introduce you to a familiar word to replace swag, cool. Everything that is "swag" is cool, the word cool, in itself is cool. He's cool. She's cool. That's cool. Turn my cool up, turn your cool down...etc...Use it. I am too cool to blog :)...

Oh and here is a new word, I heard this weekend, Dragon. Of course the word exists, but not in such context as I will describe next. Dragon known to most as an animal, or beast. Well, that in a sense has to do with this context, Dragon can now be used to described a male counter part who is disrespectful, crude, rude, perv'd out, ugly...

Thank you.